Transmasc and dysphoric

Posted Dec 20, 2024

Being transmasculine is unimaginably shitty and difficult. and because this is my private blog I'm going to say exactly what I want to say and fuck everyone else. I'm not inviting opinion here but I have to feel these things somewhere.


I'm jealous of him because he's a binary trans man and the path out of his dysphoria is clear to him. Just get on testosterone, which he has, and get his tits off, which he's planning to do. Eventually he'll be exactly who he wants to be and people will see him that way.

I will never get to have that. I'm transmasculine instead. I'm masculine, I'm boy-coded, but I'm not a fully binary man. And there is no way I can ever present where I can exist as me and been seen as me. And I'm so angry because I keep getting pushed towards the non-binary people but I don't belong there. It makes me hate them and it makes me hate myself and I don't know what to do with this rage.

Whenever someone calls me 'she' it makes me want to rip my own throat out and bleed so they'll see how it kills me please god see how you're bleeding me. I've been walking the dog. The new new dog, and I've started hating seeing other dog walkers because they call me HER MUM. Why are you doing this to me. why are you doing this.



I tried testosterone for a month.. Some changes felt right, but some began to feel wrong. A revulsion started in me so I had to stop. There is no way that I can be without feeling revolted. This female body I disowned so long ago so much it's never felt like mine. But becoming a man feels wrong too. I am something else, a gender unacceptable but still masculine. Not a female masculinity. But not a man's masculinity either. It's a new kind of thing itself. A new male gender of my own.

But god please SHOVE ME IN A BOX SHOVE ME IN I DARE YOU I DARE YOU TO FOLD ME UP AND LISTEN AS MY BONES CRUNCH AND SHOVE SHOVE SHOVE